How I Almost Went Off the Derech

Written by Hadassi on Monday, 30 March 2015. Posted in Personal Stories

Part 2: Why, why not, and of boys

My decision to remain frum (Ultra Orthodox) had nothing to do with anyone else.
I am living here for myself. After 120 years I will go up to G-d and he will ask me why I did what I did. I want to do the right thing, for myself, for my future.

I want to cover my body and not show it to the world, I want to talk to the G-d that created me and thank him daily for everything he does. For him watching over me and keeping me safe. I researched, asked and I think in my opinion that this is the path I should take. Even though all the people who have hurt me are frum, and because I chose this path they may continue to hurt me or I just still see them (causing me to have a harder time)- I still chose this path FOR MYSELF!

So why DO people go off our path, so to say, go OTD? Well, they aren’t thinking straight. They just want to hurt the people who hurt them. But that won’t do anything! In the end, 10 years, 30 years later they suddenly will wake up and say “OMIGOSH! I just let ______ (Whoever hurt me) control my entire life! Because of them and how I was blinded of ________(insert feeling here) I chose my life based on it and this is not how I feel!! I don’t want to live my life just to get back at someone else!” – if you are lucky. If not, they won’t wake up till G-d gives them an accounting in the heavens.

Or people go OTD because they haven’t found their happiness in Judiasm and haven’t found Hashem yet. So these people, when they get to a cerain age (14-19 ussually) suddenly realize thast they have no feelings toward yiddishkeit and they don’t see any reason for doing what they are doing. Humans are very logical creatures. No one is going to walk around in a big circle for a week for absolutely no reason. So too no one is going to live a life they have no feelings for if they feel there is no reason to do so. (Such as for their parents or teachers. If they feel so strongly that they have no goal or future in this path, they will go off even against people’s wishes.)

This is a good thing and a bad thing. The bad part is, WOW, this kids are missing so much! But imagine on the other hand, how much courage it took. How much courage it took for these kids to show the world that they don’t agree, they don’t feel, they don’t want to live a lie anymore. They are stripping themselves of a mask and screaming out to the world how they feel. Something not many of us do.

But then again, Judaism does have all the answers. And if you say you have looked but haven’t found, it can’t be true. if you really want to find something out, to find the truth-you will look for 30 years for it. Mankind was made to always search for the truth. It's in deepest desires, to just want to do the right thing and know the truth. You hear these stories of people who became religious, looking for the right answers for sometimes 30 years. obviously they really wanted to find the truth. Do you want to find the truth so badly that you will do this? Or do you just want to go OTD because you want to have a boyfriend, you can’t deal with the nisyonos even though you know it’s bad, or you don’t care it’s bad-you just want to have some pleasure.

Very long rant, sorry.
So, I decided to stay frum. Since I believed in Hashem. I made a mature decision, I did not commit suicide, run away, go OTD. I did what I think would be best for my future. I think my future would be best with a G-d in it and not out of it.

Another reason I have wanted to go OTD, and so have other people…boys.
C’mon, every girl wants a boy, and it’s really really hard sometimes for me to just not jump out a window in middle of class and go find some guy to live with.

But I beleive in Hashem, and he commanded me not to do that, so I am not going to do it.
I know, it is SUPER SUPER SUPER SUPER hard!!! A boy can give a girl so much things that a girl can’t.

When I get REALLY frustrated I turn to here:
A list from gaurdyoureyes with 71 reasons not to get involved with boys.

I don’t know about you, but I want a real marriage with my zivug. That ain’t happening if I go OTD and marry whichever guy gives me more stuff.

I want to share a song I wrote on this topic:

I’m tired of life, want to take me on a joy ride?
I’d give up all I have got for it.
I don’t have much, question is if it’s worth it
You’re putting me on the spot.

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I’d go with you anyway,
To anywhere you’d want
as long as it’s not here
as long as it’s not here

I’m so stressed, full of feelings, easy just so easy to give in
You’d give me attention, love, presents, and diamond rings.
I’m too exhausted to think straight
Your smooth voice just want me to go with you and escape

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I’d go with you anyway,
To anywhere you’d want
as long as it’s not here
as long as it’s not here

But I’m going to fight for what’s best for me
even if I’m tired and that means staying here,
no matter how hard it is, I know G-d is worth it.
so your pleas can fall on deaf ears.

If I could jump on a motorcycle and you’d whisk me away
or dance tonight in your arms,
I wouldn’t go with you anyway,
Doesn’t matter where you’d want

If I could do the things I imagine while reality was away
or if I could dance tonight in your arms.
I won’t go with you.
I know what I need to do.
No matter what you want.
WILL stay here.
Yes, I think I’d rather stay here.

A great book on the topic of boys and girls that tells it as it is is “The magic touch” by Gila Mandelson. I really recommend it. I was at a speech of hers and she is amazing! She did real scientific research about the idea of one human touching another. It’s not all spirituality. It’s real, true, proven facts. She also has a book on Tzniyus, which is really good.

Hashem puts us in certain situations and we have to deal with it.
That’s life. Sometimes we try to run away, or escape. That’s no good nor will it help. I didn’t do that. I am here. D
on’t think that I am not OTD cuz I’m not brave enough, don’t have enough courage, not pretty enough, not smart enough, or too scared.
I am not OTD because I don’t WANT to be, that is simply that. If you think you are cool, showing off your body, looking so haughty, and looking at me like “Ugh, here comes another “frummie” who isn’t brave enough to face reality and leave.DON’T.

I have faced my reality. Life isn’t a game. It’s real.
Have you faced yours?

About the Author



Hi, my name is Hadassi!
I'm 17 years old, and I LOVE writing!
I hope all of you will be able to gain from my little voice in the sea of life.

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