Judaism proclaims that nothing happens in the cosmos -- no electron encircles an atomic nucleus, no cell divides, no star is born or dies -- without Divine will animating it at every nanosecond.
So the times I was doing Aveiros, does that mean Hashem wanted me to be in that situation? How do these two concepts reconcile?
Well, Hashem wanted that there should be free-will, as the Torah says "and you shall CHOOSE life". Right?
If every time someone went against Hashem's will in the world they would cease to exist, would there be free will?
So obviously, Hashem allows for people to go against His will in this world.
That is the basic and simple answer.
But there is a much deeper side to this as well though.
In truth, everything that happens - even what we choose - is really what needed to happen and what Hashem wanted to happen.
And here there seems to be a paradox. How can there be free will BEFORE the act - on the one hand, yet AFTER the act we say that was what was meant to be?
In one place it says "And you shall choose life" and in another place it says "And Hashem will circumcise your heart to love and fear Him" - and in Tanach it says "For You (Hashem) have turned their hearts backwards (and caused them to sin)".
So we see that the Torah wants us to know that we have free choice, but at the same time, that Hashem really is the One who controls our hearts. So it seems to be a contradiction.
This is one of the great paradoxes, that we, as mortal humans, bound by the constraints of time, space and logic, can never understand.
But this is where EMUNAH comes in. We must believe that this is true.
Before the act, we truly DO have bechirah to choose.
After the act, we must feel bad - NOT that we fell, because that had to happen, but rather WHY did Hashem throw me away from Him?
This is very deep, and takes true Emunah limala min hadaas (above our understanding).
See attached for a deep piece about this from the Baal Hasulam
Practically, as far as your past sins, you are now AFTER the fact. You must view what happened as if you were born today with this history. As if it is completely out of your hands. Your Teshuvah for this needs to focus ONLY on the NOW. Ask yourself, what can you do NOW to assure this doesn't happen again? What can you do to come closer to Hashem so that he doesn't let go of you again next time such a test comes? Those are the only questions you need to ask.
Hashem loves you more than you can imagine. Everything that happened to you in life is to prepare you, mold you, help you grow. His arms are stretched out and waiting for you to come back to Him with all your heart, so He can hold you close in His embrace. All the love you seek from flesh and blood can be found in Him. And much greater and more profound than anything this lowly world can offer.
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