"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!" - Homer J. Simpson
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the heck she is."
"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with."
"If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way."
"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing."
"I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants." - A. Whitney Brown
"Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway".
"Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?"
