TOPIC: My part

I've been trying to sort something important out. It hasn't been happening. I have been doing whatever I can, whatever is right, and, have been seeing that it isn't working. You know the kind when you walk through all the doors to find them all locked? So today something random happened and I realized that maybe there was another doorway that I could try. I was certain the reply (I contacted someone asking her 2 questions) would be that it was irrelevant, but the reply instead was positive to both. I'm going to discuss it with this person and see what come up with. But that's not the point. The point is twofold. That, however much it seems like it's pointless, don't give up, for you don't know what would be. And I'm seeing what someone once explained to me. Someone once told me that you have to do your part, and what happens and how it happens is not up to you at all. You have to do your part. Show god that you're ready. And ask him to do his part in whatever way he wants. And it might not be in the way that you want. But that's not up to you. You just have to do your part.

Wow that must have been hard. I hate it when life keeps shutting doors on me. I feel so irrelevant. Like i keep doing what needs to be done but the out come is not what is supposed to happen.

I have a quote up on my wall. one of my really cool teachers said it once & it kindav became my mantra.
I write My Story, He writes His Story, because its HISSTORY!

Ellie- I can definitely relate.

On a side note, which is sort of almost closely related if you try hard enough...

I find that sometimes I'm so busy trying to control a situation, making sure I do whatever I can so it can turn out the way I feel is best, that I forget that there's someone else running the show. I cannot determine my own successes and/or failures.

Only when I learn to LET GO. To give it up to Hashem, can I be confident in the efforts I put in being all that I can do.

Thanks for reminding me of this important message.

Any more examples of this popping up in your life? I'm gonna keep my eyes open for this- watch this space!

I wrote a reply, which didn't get posted

It's not a side-note, Malki, it's the point.

That's pretty much what I meant - hey, I can ask you to word what I mean .
So, it didn't work out. What I planned, I mean. The door I thought may be a door isn't. I'm still stuck. But that's okay. For I just have to keep doing my part. My part is doing all that I can to get whatever it is, and what happens, is not up to me. That's what this showed me. That I have to keep trying. I have to do my part. I have to do all that it takes. The when and the how, isn't up to me. That's up to god. It may be one of the avenues I've been pursuing, or, it may, like the person I spoke to the other night, be through something completely unexpected, but that's not in my hands. If this is making any sense to you, kudos to you.. (for what I mean makes sense, but what I wrote makes nonsense)

Sometimes I feel like saying
'God, I've done my part so many times',
Other times, like now, I see that I haven't done my part at all. I just wanted to think I did. I did things that make me feel like I've done my part, when in reality, I haven't.
My part isn't the outcome. What my part is, is to do whatever I can so that it can happen through me.
It's so hard to really live that way... one day, one day.

I know that my biggest downfalls happen when I think I can control my efforts AND the ending. I have a hard time separating in my head what it means for me to do my part, to do my best, and then to also know that nothing that comes out of that is down to me.

And even just in the realm of my part, how much do I have to do? For how long? When can I hold up my hands and say 'I'm done'?

The answer I've found ISN'T what I thought it would be. I have to let go of the pressures that hold me, and just try my best. Somedays I'll be disappointed in that, others I pass my own expectations. As long as I hit the pillow that night and see that I contributed SOMETHING to my part, I think we've done ok.

What do you think Ellie?