Well I’m telling you now, it doesn’t get any easier.
As my hands type I still don’t believe this.
As I rush to work, her work, the one I am going to do today, I still don’t comprehend this.
As I douse my curls with water, spray and re-twirl the frayed ends and finish up my makeup, I still cannot fully understand this. A vort…tonight.
“Mazel Tov” a classmate I meet on the way to work gushes. My eyes light up, a smile as wide as the solar system on my face. “Yes! I’m so excited, you’re excited, right? Engaged..excited, amazing.” I think I’m repeating myself, but it’s fine. She knows the vort is tonight right? Oh good she does. Is she coming? Bezrat Hashem. Great. Fantastic. I look at my watch.
Work. Her work. I can’t be late. As I continue walking I think:
Does the world know the vort is tonight?
They should. It feels like they should all know, it should be lit up in bright lights around the city centers.
But it isn’t.
When I come in a girl with brown pigtails proudly proclaims her mom is bringing her to the party tonight. A chorus of little high pitched voices chime in that they’re coming too.
Rushing up the hill, sweating, feeling like a walking preschool art project. All the kids in gan were excited. I’m excited. They don’t really know me, I was only there once, the day she got engaged. But they know her.
I’m on the phone another good friend. She’s juggling this conversation, her baby, and clearing the table all at once.
And we are sitting here discussing the pros and cons of a potential job, jumping in between chatting about dresses and heels and the engagement.
“The world is faster than a party” I mention. “How I wish everything was still, how I wish I did not have to jump in between all these subjects and roles. I want to be present, in everything”. I say.
“Well I’m telling you now, it doesn’t get any easier. You have to jump even more. Suddenly your a mom, wife, sister, friend, and worker, and so much more.”
I think about this.
I think about it after we hang up.
I think about this as a do my makeup.
Can I be present in whatever I’m doing? No matter how many other things are floating around grabbing in my brain for their due attention?
I sigh. It’s so hard, sometimes ideas feel like crushing stacks of metal weight in your head, unmovable until used for something. I mean they must be useful, there’s a reason we have thoughts and ideas running around in our heads.
What if I could create something with them?
Something now, something good, something useful.
I don’t have to wait? Do I?
Seriously? What can I do with thoughts? Ones that aren’t useful, the ones that I think about at the wrong times? Like if I’m sitting at the vort laughing with a gaggle of friends and thoughts about jobs attack my brain. I certainly don’t have the headspace and or place to go through them and think about that now!
But if Hashem made them, if they’re there, than they can do something. That’s what part of me says. Hashem doesn’t create anything stam. If you are having thoughts like these now, then there’s a reason why.
I’m trying to figure out I should put on more highlighter. I decide, definitely more. But with a wet or dry brush? Or maybe I’ll use a cream one..
The word is rolling around in my mouth. She is engaged. This is real. I glance at my watch for the millionth time. Well, it’s not going to be real if you’re late!
Suddenly it hits me. All this, the thoughts, this, everything in my world is to connect to Hashem. I’m living in his world, in my world, I mean this world was created just for me, right? Bishvi li Nivrah Haolam.
I think that posuk is talking about our world. I mean we all live in the same world, but we walk different lives. Isn’t it amazing how he manages to be a part of all them? Isn’t it wonderful how he manages to make these worlds collide at specific times, both ripe for each person? It’s it fascinating how he coordinates it all? This all? Everything here is for me to connect to him. And that’s what I’ll do. Seriously though, engaged does not look like a real word to me after writing this. 😂