Really Davening

I think really davening, is when it’s not “davening”, it’s like talking to a person, not some thing that you aren’t sure is there.
It’s as if you see him with your eyes.
And when you feel him stroking your cheek as you cry, whispering ever so softly that all will be okay, and he is right beside you.
But with everything going on…sometimes, there is so much pain, you just feel immune.
So then what do you do???
When you feel nothing, and there is no point in talking to him???
Well, Iv’e found that inspiring yourself helps.
Reading a book or something.
In the summer, admit it, we forget.
I think I davened less than 10 times this summer, but those few times I did.
It was real.
And that was worth it.
You can daven every day in summer, force yourself to go through those motions. But, if it’s not real, it just can’t be equal to the few times it is real.
And when you daven in your own words along the way every day.
Ex. today:  ‘Hashem, please, please!!! Today is Chaviva’s last day in camp, please let her give me a tip’ even something like that, that’s a prayer. A somewhat selfish prayer, but yet, a real tefilla, and hey, we are all selfish at times….
Here’s a poem I wrote, during the Matzav in Israel.

There’s so much pain,and I can’t block it out.
But on the other hand it’s like I just can’t feel anymore.
We don’t grasp in large numbers what’s it about.
We feel when we hear something small.
About a little girls dreams of a summer that’s been lost
and about one person whose son is fighting
About the one who on the inside is dying
And the bochur who got killed helping someone else
It’s the little things that move us
but I have no more tears
I have seen it all already
but inside me there’s no fear
I know G-d got a plan
But I’m so numb, I can’t even pray
All I ask for is one good cry
or such a good tefilla, that the memory of it will never go away.

The few times I davened, included a few trips to the kosel, where I cried to Hashem that he should just stay with me.
Cuz I need him now…
– Hadassi