Just thinking aloud...
It's that time of year again; early mornings, tired days. My grandfather likes saying "Selichos? It's the getting up that gets me down!" If I only I could be like all the other guys, hoping out of bed, running to davening, swaying back and forth, [and maybe even some tears] But I don't feel like it. All those hard words. I get an Interlinear, but then it takes much longer, like forever.
Maybe I'll give it a miss. WHAT? Selichos! o.k., but EVERYDAY?
And then I think to myself I've done so many avreiros [Why wasn't I more careful about Shemira Eneiyim?] will H-m forgive me? Will I really change?
What's the point?
And now it’s the beginning of the New Year, and I stumbled already.
My Rosh Yeshiva tries to inspire me. 'Sheva yipol Tzaddik Vkom" It’s the battle that counts.
If you're fighting your winning.
He gives me the parable of the Czar who want to award his best soldier. How does he rate the troops? He takes a crazy wild horse who NEVER lets a rider take control, you sit on him and he throws you off. The ultimate test is: which soldier hurries back on after he is thrown off [again] and which one will give up.
I fell, but I don’t stop trying.
Maybe that’s my teshuva.
It's going tough, I don’t have a chavruso, I waste my time. I try and override my filter. I miss davening.
But I don’t give up. I keep trying.
Even only for an hour, half an hour, something.
Today we said [ok the Pizmon is the easy part of selichot!] Zochalin …miyom BOEACHA. H-m is COMING to us, he wants to help me.
He WILL help me,
Hey that’s my horse over there; I need to get back on!