The Illusion of Control

Hello guys, welcome back to my blog.

I mean welcome back to my life.

You know, people always ask me where I get the courage to blog from. I can never properly answer that question. I’m not quite sure where I get it from myself, but I definitely don’t consider it to be courageous. I just found blogging to be, me. It’s like it’s natural for me. Actually, this past shabbos I was reading a book about the enneagram (a sort of chart that maps out different personalities) and in the chapter about my type it actually mentioned that people with this type of personality are usually open, warm, and honest, and often times can end up as bloggers. That was pretty spot on. :)

I already feel like this is going to be a less organized post, but that’s okay. It’s okay. I want to write about what has just been on my mind. Being young and single life is always changing. It’s the in-between stage, a massive blinding rush of colors and running between shidduchim, college, courses, jobs, friends, family, life, engagements, marriages, feelings, growth, self analysis, and uncertainty.

Uncertainty.
It’s a big complicated word that often holds a big pandora’s box of stuff no of use want to face. But uncertainty is a big part of life right now, and as hard as it is to face it, we must.

Giving up the illusion that we have control, that we are choosing, that if we go to this shadchan, we’ll get married immediately. The idea of something, an idea, an action, giving direct cause to a destination.

It’s a lie.

Nothing is connected.

Lately I’ve just been spending time living.
Just being.
Going on a walk, laying out in a park on the grass, and watching the clouds move past. Feeling the weed in my hair, and the soft grass under me. Feeling the warmth of the sun and just talking to myself and Hashem.

And suddenly I realize how fleeting everything is.
And they call this world a physical world.
For what?

What here is tangible and long lasting?
Nothing.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “Will something bad happen to me?”
Will I not get married? (Chas Vishalom [God forbid]) Will I not reach my potential? Not get to where I want to spiritually? Will i never find a job? Will I never have success?

Of course that won’t happen. You are a Jew, not a Christian, not a Muslim, not a Buddhist. We believe in one loving father who is also your God, and he is going to watch over you and take care of you.

But bad things happen, right? I’ve had bad things happen to me. I’m sure you have too. Bad things happen to all of us, and although I know he’s protecting me, who is to say he will not do something bad to me like he has done before?

I asked a good friend of mine what she thought. I mean I probably know, but when you’re thinking in feelings you don’t always get the full picture.

You’re right. It’s possible you might never get married, Chas Vishalom. Just like it’s possible for a tornado to come and wipe out most of my friends and family. But, we can’t spend time worrying about every little thing that could happen. Sure there’s people who do that, we call that a mental disorder. Baruch Hashem we don’t have that, we have fears, sometime big and scary fears, like every other human.

Instead of focusing on what could happen,
Let’s focus on what we want to happen, and try to do that.

No we can’t control the world, and when we try to we fall down, frustrated, angry, upset, anxiety ridden, that we can’t.

You could daven, you could tell Hashem “I can’t handle this. Please do not send me this type of test.”

After doing that, you can have emunah, trust in Hashem.
And when you feel scared, you tell him.
Because he is listening and he does care.

You know, when you know where you're going and what you’re trying to do, and actively trying to get there, it’s calming. That’s called hishtadlus.

I wrote more in my post last week about that.

Let me know what you guys think.
I’m thinking about starting to post once a week about something more down to earth, like photography, hair, makeup, music, or whatever.
What are you interested in seeing?

Till then…
Be in touch!
- Hadas Bat-el
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